It’s really been since June 28 since I posted last? But wait, I can explain! It’s been one of three things:
1. A Nigerian prince contacted me. He had a large inheritance coming to him, but needed a U.S. account to launder his money. I said that I’d do it, on the condition that he give me 25 uncut diamonds from unregulated mines. He doubled down, and said he could meet my terms, but only if I opened a link to a virus-ridden video of Kim Kardashian apologizing to the universe. I told him I would click on the link if he would acknowledge that he won the Facebook lottery and claim his prize. We ended up meeting at a Holiday Inn in New Jersey to work out the details and spent the last month hitting local buffets, watching “Lost” (the entire series) and shopping for Crocs. I’ve adopted him.
2. I took the tags off of mattresses while I was in college, and was arrested just a few months from the statute of limitations expiring. I finally have my life straightened out, but had to leave Current Husband to serve my time. One woman called Crazy Ears who can hear everything tried to make me her bitch, but I resisted her and won everyone over with my prison-brewed gin and tonics. I’m writing a book on my experience called “Really, Really Dark Charcoal Gray Is The New Black, or How I Can’t Wash Clothes Properly.” The sequel will be ”Light Gray With Yellowed Pits Is The New White.”
3. I applied for the job of my dreams as a writer for the corporate communications department of a Fortune 500 company in mid-May. It was absolutely all I could think about for weeks and weeks, and I grew old waiting, and then I interviewed in early July, which blew my mind because seriously, I think everyone in a 100-mile radius applied for it. It was a FOUR HOUR interview with five different people, and I had to produce a new set of writing samples four different times, and when it was over my frontal lobe literally exploded all over my navy suit. I delivered my hand-written thank yous. Then I waited. And waited. And waited some more. Paralyzed with the fear of not getting it, and then of actually getting it, last week I found out I got it. WHAT THE WHAT!?!? So I wanted to be all yelly about it, but had to keep it on the DL until this week, but the announcement finally went out today, so WOOT-EFFING-WOOT. I will hopefully work at this company until the day I retire. I love it there that much.
So obviously it was option #2.
Thanks for your patience, Wifers. I hope your summer was full of kick-assery-ness.