As far as parenting goes, I’m probably in B- territory.
1. While offering fruit and veggies, my kids can access chips, Froot By The Foot, and Lucky Charms at home. And Nutty Bars. Oh, the Nutty Bars.
2. We allow the older ones to watch R rated movies that we think are funny.
3. We expose them to BOTH kinds of news sources: Conservative and Liberal. It’s like we’re making them BiPolitical. Not legally recognized in all states. Yet.
4. I make them wear many of their clothes more than once before I’ll wash them (excludes underwear, socks and boy t-shirts).
5. I go to most of their extra-curricular events, and even enjoy them. To a point. And then I’m over it.
I’m talking to YOU, youth baseball season.
I grew up in Nebraska, where football is king and everything else is a nice little thing people do in between football seasons. A few years ago, The Son said he wanted to do baseball, and while I was surprised, I embraced this new and foreign sport. What sold me was how adorable he looked in his uniform, because beyond that I was unfamiliar. Pretty soon, I’m yelling things like “Nice cut!” and “If it’s there, take it for a ride!” I’m shaking my head with the other parents, saying “The pitcher balked.” I’m watching a catcher writhe in pain because a ball bounced up and hit him in the junk, saying, “I can’t believe he wasn’t wearing his cup.” And it’s fun for the first eight weeks.
Now it’s going to be Fourth of July weekend, and I’M OVER IT. Every year, at the end of June, I’m sick of baseball. My nostrils and ear canals have been responsible for the heartless murder of thousands of gnats. I’ve been at the ball park until 10:30 THREE times in the past week, and I get up at 6 a.m. for work. Julie with no sleep is Mean Unreasonable Julie. Also, to the men who coordinate these things – moms are in charge of planning any kind of family trip or summer activities. Most of us want baseball season over by Fourth of July weekend, because that’s when people have days off and can actually leave town or have family reunions or whatever. Seriously, put a fork in me, I’m done. I’ll go watch the Cubs or the Cards or the Brewers, because guess what? I don’t have to wash their uniforms or drive them to the park.
On a side note. To the makers of Absorbine Jr. – your product is like liquid gold. Parents are begging for it at the ball park. My suggestion to you is to flood the Walgreens and CVS’s of the world with your product in May, because in these here parts, stores ran out this month, and the bugs have staged some kind of attack on humanity. Last night, I found a box for sale, and I’m telling you, I was the most popular mom with the teenage boy set, and for once not for my looks or hilarious jokes.
So baseball season? Wrap it up. Absorbine people? Ship it out. That is all.5