All posts in Ruining Childhoods

Damn You, Wesson!


It has been a wackadoodle couple of weeks – I can’t even do a Day in the Wife, I’m going to have to go to Two Weeks In the Wife, which sounds like someone needs a bath. But I digress.

Both Youngest Daughter and Oldest Daughter were in the high school production of The Music Man, which I hadn’t seen before – and I LIVE IN IOWA. I think if the authorities in Iowa find out you haven’t seen The Music Man, they take you to the Missouri border and drop you off.

music man


I give you Ethel Toffelmier and Amaryllis. 

What did I learn? That OD can do the splits, and that YD can sing a little bit. It was fun and I’m always eagerly anticipating when it’s over after two months of hardcore rehearsals, and then sad when it finally ends. Everyone in the production was just so good, we are loaded to the gills with talent at this school. I love the drama kids.

The Son had three track meets in the last week, and got personal bests in three events – he can high jump at 5’2 now, he runs a 2:31 800-meter, and a 5:25 mile, which is not as fast as I can eat a half dozen donuts, but he’s getting there.

YD’s birthday was during the musical weekend, which means it was all but forgotten. One of her classmates has the same birthday, and his mom texted me and said “Is it okay if we do Friday this year for treats?” and I was like “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, YES.” because I hadn’t even thought about treats yet. We’ll take Monday!

But, oops. We forgot on Sunday. Crap.

Then on Monday, while apologizing for not having birthday treats for the day, she said, “Mom, I really want brownies. I don’t want cupcakes or cookies or anything. Just brownies.” and of course I said “Okay, that’s great, brownies tomorrow!” because at that point I probably would have offered to bring puppies for everyone in the class if she had asked.

photo (48)

Are YOU going to tell this baby she can’t have brownies?
My kingdom for a quick 10 minute snuggle with this one.

I bought two boxes of brownie mix, a big foil sheet pan, and eggs, and when I got home from an appointment at 10 p.m. I started making brownies. The mix was in the bowl, the oven preheated and….


I’m out of vegetable oil. Seriously. And it’s now 10:30 and I need 36 brownies by sunrise. Damn you, Wesson! Damn you to hell!

The Son sees my distress and immediately goes to the Internet. “Mom! You can substitute apple sauce for vegetable oil!” I do have applesauce. How bad could it be?

Well, it’s not that bad. But not the same. So my family is eating the applesauce brownies, and I made another pan of chocolate lard bars to send to the school today.

Because sending the birthday treats four days after the birthday isn’t that bad, right?



There Will Be Books in Prison

Conversation at our table tonight:

Youngest Daughter: “Mom, I have this homework sheet for school, I need to start doing the things in these boxes.”

ME: “Great. I love homework that involves extra activities. What are we doing?”

YD: “Not much. It says you can read to me while I’m taking a bath, but since I don’t take a bath and won’t let you in when I’m showering, that’s out.”

ME: “Relief. What else?”

YD: “Here’s Plant a flower and watch it grow.”

ME: “But since it is still below zero, I don’t think we can dig a hole in the tundra. Next.”

YD: “Find some facts about Daylight Savings Time.”

ME: “What class is this for?”

YD: “Reading.”

BOTH OF US: ?????

YD: “This one sounds creepy. Take your child to the park and count the children.”


ME: “See how many kids fit in your van. Tell them there is candy.”

YD: “Or puppies and free One Direction CD’s.”

OLDEST DAUGHTER, WITHOUT LOOKING UP FROM HER PHONE: “See how many you can fit in your van and then drive away as fast as you can to the next state and then you get to the airport and you fly to Mexico where another unmarked van will be waiting for you. Put the children in the second van and drive to the capitol building and talk to no one. Sell them all. Tomorrow, go bowling.”

ME: “Yikes.”

OD: “You started it. This is your DNA talking now, sister.”

And that’s how we do homework at our house. I’m feeling confident that it will be a long time before either of my girls get married.






Unequipped for Adulthood

It’s December, and we all know what time of year that is!!! Christmas? Who has time for Christmas? It’s the Obligatory End Of Semester School Event Season!

Every school feels that with the end of the semester, there needs to be an event that marks the end of said semester. Which is fine. Unless you have three kids at three different schools, in different activities, and then things get tricky. This weekend, we had a makeup art class for Youngest Daughter because it conflicted with her intramurals last week, a four-game two-day basketball tournament for The Son, and the Winter Fest concert for show choir for Oldest Daughter. Tonight is the Winter Choral Concert for OD, but there is also an intramural basketball game and dance class for YD and basketball for The Son, and tomorrow is the middle school Winter Orchestra Concert, soon to be followed by the high school Winter Orchestra Concert and we just had the Elementary Winter Orchestra Concert. Thursday is the end of semester “Exhibition Night” for middle school, and next week is the elementary Winter Sing, conveniently scheduled for 9:30 a.m. on a Wednesday for the working parents who have a 20-minute drive to and from work, necessitating 2 hours of personal time. This coming Friday are the One Act Plays for the end-of-semester drama event.

Don’t get me wrong, I love going to events Read more…

Awesome Monday. Weird, Huh?

I hope everyone had a lovely Thanksgiving and loaded up during the Nationally Sanctioned Day of Gluttony. And thanks. My mother-in-law cooked, which was pretty spectacular as always, and then we went to my other mother-in-law’s and let her feed me too. One of these days they’ll catch on to me. *burp*

I did dream that I married Vince Vaughn over the weekend, which was probably a combination of eating too much (because he seems like a dude who would indulge) and pimping his movie “Delivery Man,” which I still stand by as a thumbs up.

The weekend was kick-ass all over, including watching The Son play some awesome basketball in his tournament (NOTE TO MEN: Quit scheduling your damn sports stuff on holiday weekends! I like watching them play, but you’re killing me!) and we played cards with the kids and put up the tree and the lights on the house, did some hardcore sleeping in and coffee drinking, and generally hung out.

This morning, I thought “Screw You, Monday” because I wanted more of the sleeping in and hanging out, and I’m Read more…