All posts in Exercise is for Assholes

New Years Resolutions: Uncorked

Happy New Year, All Y’all~!

I realize it’s January 2nd, but Youngest Daughter had a sleepover on NYE, and they ate about 20 pounds of candy, and then were up until 6 a.m. – you read that right – and I spent the day yesterday alternating between eating cinnamon rolls and napping. Then I had to get up at 5:45 a.m. today to be at work by 7 a.m. and I’m all kinds of messed up. Someone online today said “It’s Tuesday, 2009″ and I thought “that is exactly how I feel.”

New Year’s Resolutions, 2014

1. More Tina Fey, less Bea Arthur.

2. Start checking chin for hair.

3. Water. In my mouth.

4. Think harder about exercise. Enjoy chips while thinking.

5. Figure out a way to get to BlogHer for maximum Bloggess stalking.

6. Take a moment every day to thank God my children no longer watch Calliou.

7. Discover more wine/cheese and wine/chocolate pairings.

8. Visit Chad the Awesome Masseuse more, don’t apologize for leg hair and rough heels.

9. Embrace my age, minus five years.

10. Put “The” in front of more words, ie. The Marijuana, The Twitter, The Facebook, The Diarrhea.

I not only think these things are do-able, they will bring a satisfaction level 2013 didn’t attain. I imagine 2014 will be awesome regardless, as 2010 was pretty much the standout bad year for me this decade. I hope you all had terrific New Year’s Days, and are making resolutions that bring you joy.

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*clink* I toast to you!

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Monday Minivan Media

Word from the minivan is that it’s all about Ruzzle.

Oldest Daughter downloaded Ruzzle on my phone last week, and now the entire family has a problem.

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We can all be in different rooms, doing different things, and there is a wild game of Ruzzle going on throughout the house. Current Husband and I are hardcore competitors, The Son and Oldest Daughter duke it out, everyone takes it a little bit easy on Youngest Daughter, but every once in a while over the weekend one would hear someone yell “GAH! You beat me by 11 points!” and there is no one else in the room.

The kids and I have been on a marathon of watching “The Office,” we’re now in Season 4, and yesterday while we watched a few episodes, we were all playing Ruzzle. We may need a whole family intervention.

On another media note – CH and I watched the Seth Rogen/James Franco movie “This is the End,” and while it was funny, let me tell you that those guys are completely obsessed with drugs and their dicks. It’s all playful, of course, but still. Guys. Newsflash. You’re not 14 anymore.

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However, I thought it was funny how they played themselves and these versions of who people think they are. Michael Cera as a coke whore was a funny bit.

We also did family pics, more on that later, and bagged six huge yard waste bags of tomato plants.

What did you do this weekend, Wifers? Any good apps or movies to recommend to suck up all of my time next weekend?

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Sexy And I Know It

Today I go to work in a dress that I love, but is probably a little bit on the short side, and does nothing to hold in my burgeoning gut. This is why I wear support undergarments. But since the dress is a little on the short side, if I catch a little breeze, my support secret will be exposed. This makes for a fun day at work, slouching, tugging my dress down, and hiding out in my cubicle.

After work, I had to stop at the grocery store. I’m getting out of my van and tugging on the dress, thinking maybe it’s time for a retirement party for this one. It’s done its time. It’s paid its debt to society. It still has a small and barely noticeable mayo stain about the size of a quarter from when I dropped a Whopper Jr. on my lap about a year ago. It is with these thoughts going through my head when I walk into the entrance of the grocery store. Heading out of the store in the other direction is a 20-something guy, decked out in basketball shorts and jersey, hat cocked askew on his head, large gold chain. He looks me up and down, literally LICKS HIS LIPS, and says “Mmm mmm mmm, you lookin’ fine TODAY.” Read more…

Blarney Talk, Great Danes and Dayum

George the Superpet doesn’t get walked often, mostly because we are busy eating and drinking and driving (clearly not in that order), which is why he is so damn fat. ¬†When he went in for his last grooming, he was 114 pounds. He’s a big dog anyway, and will weigh more than the average Standard Poodle, but still. If George was a person, he would be Chris Christie. Read more…