All posts by Julie the Wife

Damn You, Wesson!


It has been a wackadoodle couple of weeks – I can’t even do a Day in the Wife, I’m going to have to go to Two Weeks In the Wife, which sounds like someone needs a bath. But I digress.

Both Youngest Daughter and Oldest Daughter were in the high school production of The Music Man, which I hadn’t seen before – and I LIVE IN IOWA. I think if the authorities in Iowa find out you haven’t seen The Music Man, they take you to the Missouri border and drop you off.

music man


I give you Ethel Toffelmier and Amaryllis. 

What did I learn? That OD can do the splits, and that YD can sing a little bit. It was fun and I’m always eagerly anticipating when it’s over after two months of hardcore rehearsals, and then sad when it finally ends. Everyone in the production was just so good, we are loaded to the gills with talent at this school. I love the drama kids.

The Son had three track meets in the last week, and got personal bests in three events – he can high jump at 5’2 now, he runs a 2:31 800-meter, and a 5:25 mile, which is not as fast as I can eat a half dozen donuts, but he’s getting there.

YD’s birthday was during the musical weekend, which means it was all but forgotten. One of her classmates has the same birthday, and his mom texted me and said “Is it okay if we do Friday this year for treats?” and I was like “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, YES.” because I hadn’t even thought about treats yet. We’ll take Monday!

But, oops. We forgot on Sunday. Crap.

Then on Monday, while apologizing for not having birthday treats for the day, she said, “Mom, I really want brownies. I don’t want cupcakes or cookies or anything. Just brownies.” and of course I said “Okay, that’s great, brownies tomorrow!” because at that point I probably would have offered to bring puppies for everyone in the class if she had asked.

photo (48)

Are YOU going to tell this baby she can’t have brownies?
My kingdom for a quick 10 minute snuggle with this one.

I bought two boxes of brownie mix, a big foil sheet pan, and eggs, and when I got home from an appointment at 10 p.m. I started making brownies. The mix was in the bowl, the oven preheated and….


I’m out of vegetable oil. Seriously. And it’s now 10:30 and I need 36 brownies by sunrise. Damn you, Wesson! Damn you to hell!

The Son sees my distress and immediately goes to the Internet. “Mom! You can substitute apple sauce for vegetable oil!” I do have applesauce. How bad could it be?

Well, it’s not that bad. But not the same. So my family is eating the applesauce brownies, and I made another pan of chocolate lard bars to send to the school today.

Because sending the birthday treats four days after the birthday isn’t that bad, right?



Sour Balls and Panty Lines

Today I had coffee ready when I woke up, so big improvement.

I wore a pair of slacks that are a bit too big for me, so they grabbed on to my panty lines and would Not. Let. Go. There is nothing a Fortune 500 company loves more than employees walking around showing everyone the outlines of their hipsters. #professionalFail

Both Oldest and Youngest Daughters are in the high school musical, The Music Man, and they had a performance today for the 8th graders, sort of a soft opening. The challenge is that I work full time, and it’s about a 20-30 minute drive from work, depending on traffic. A lovely, wonderful woman I know offered to pick YD up from elementary school at 9:30 a.m. to get her over to the high school on time for the performance, saving me about an hour and a half from being gone from work. Little things mean a lot. And she bought YD a smoothie from Dunn Bros, so double bonus.

The Son is in 8th grade, and he gave the whole thing two thumbs up, said it’s a good show. Opening night is tomorrow, can’t wait! I get a little nervous, not only for the girls and for the show, but also because I’m around a bunch of grown ups, and I tend to put my foot in my mouth in public. It’s a problem. I actually have to rehearse things in my head to say to people so I don’t say things like, “Oh my gosh, I love your hooker shoes!” which I’ve actually said to someone and immediately got put on her shit list. I don’t blame her, they were $300 shoes. You’ve got to turn a LOT of tricks to buy $300 shoes. Or maybe just one, if you’re good.

When I got home from work, I asked YD how the show went, and she said, “Fine, can you buy me some sour cherry balls?” I was a little appalled – um, how about you answer my question without asking for things? But then they were stuck in my head. Cherry balls, cherry balls, cherry balls…


So of course, when I went out to take The Son to basketball, I bought some cherry balls.

I also went to Sams and bought $400 worth of concession food for the musical, which I’m hauling around in my van. I hope it doesn’t get too hot tomorrow, because I’ve heard that M&Ms don’t melt in your hand, but might in a van on a 60 degree day. Enjoy your chocolate sauce in a bag, fine arts patrons!

Stepping back a bit – tonight when I drove home from work, I saw a motorcycle accident. The southbound traffic on the interstate was backed up quite a ways, and the police had just arrived on the scene. The motorcyclist was on the ground, and three people were around him giving mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. I passed the ambulance heading that way a few minutes later. First, prayers to that man and his family, I hope it ended up okay. Second, hello perspective check. If panty lines are the worst thing that happened today, I came out okay.




A Day in the Wife

Hello, Gentle Readers

The four or five of you who read the blog when it isn’t about Iowa State have probably noticed that I’ve been lax in posting of late. To be honest, I’ve felt a little bit, for lack of a better term, cock-blocked in my writing. There are entertaining things that happen every day, that I think most of you would get a kick out of, but if it’s about any of the schools, quite a few teachers read the blog, and they might get offended. Or call the DHS, because they are mandatory reporters. If I write about family, my family reads it. If I write about work, work people or their spouses read it. If I write about my kids, some of their friends’ parents, OR WORSE, their friends, may read it. I once pissed off one of my neighbors by writing about the feral cats. Years ago, I pissed off a PTA person by writing about a PTA event. I’ve pissed off in-laws, friends, and people who apparently hate Gwyneth Paltrow. Because I give my opinion about things, and as Abraham Lincoln once said, “…you can’t please all of the people all  of the time.”

*sigh* DON’T I EFFING KNOW IT, ABE. Word. Read more…

George as Prom Queen

Today, I gave the kids a summer project – at all costs, win the regional Standard Poodle dog grooming contest.

Crazy Dog Grooming Competition

Because what family wouldn’t be proud to own not only a dog, but a piece of art? Read more…